• Instead of bringing toilet paper, just use ivy.
• Take a self-guided “Into the Wild” tour of Alaska.
• Twitter constantly while leading a hike into the forest.
• Slather yourself with honey-scented lotion and sunbathe by stagnant water.
• See if the Crocodile Hunter’s wrestling techniques work on alligators, too.
• Play the banjo with a stranger in Appalachia, especially if that stranger is an albino boy.
• Wear stiletto heels to go rafting.
• Protect your head in the woods by wearing a deer antler hat.
• Adopt a feral boy you discovered while hiking. No matter how loving your family is, he will try to kill you.
• Encounter Sasquatch sleeping in the woods and shave your initials into its back.
• After running out of lighter fluid, use hairspray or gasoline.
• Set out in the Maryland woods alone to prove that the Blair Witch isn’t real.
• Play with bear cubs.
• Sleep in a tricked-out RV and complain about “roughing it.”
• Bring a 24-pack of beer instead of water.
• When your friends offer you s’mores, announce, “I don’t eat marshmallows because of the high fructose corn syrup. That stuff will kill you.”
• Reenact “Deliverance” as a practical joke on your friends.
• Run out of Doritos on the first day and resort to cannibalism.
• Test your campfire-building skills in the outdoors section of Wal-Mart.
• Ask a strange woodsman to help you pitch your tent.
• Teach your children “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
• Bring your pet rooster so you and the whole campground can embrace the dawn.