I am coming up on my third anniversary of singleness, and I am probably in the best mental, emotional and physical shape of my life. I’ve learned a lot about navigating loss and how to keep my mental health intact in the process of divorce.
When most people think of grief, we only consider grief associated with death; But the death of a relationship can conjure similar effects on your life and emotional state. Although rarely acknowledged, grieving the loss of a relationship is a form of grief. It often follows the same stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Much like death-associated grief, the smallest reminders can trigger grief at any moment, which can become especially challenging to navigate during the holidays.
But it doesn’t have to be an emotionally nor physically harmful experience when managed with tenderness, exploration and mental-health tools. Navigating relationships related to grief can actually be a transformative experience that leaves you better than it found you.
I want to share some tips that helped me not only survive the loss of a relationship, but thrive in the face of grief. I focused on my body, mind, emotions, spiritual connection and environment, which led to the creation of my own “relationship first-aid kit” that helped heal my heart and prepared me for healthier relationships in the future. Here is my recipe.
Body: This may sound rudimentary, but bathe. Showering is good, but submerging yourself in water can be such a game changer in the mood department. I can’t count the amount of times that after a tear fest, bathing appeared to have washed away my sadness down the drain. Science supports this experience. A warm bath can calm the nervous system and encourage the body to release serotonin and endorphins, making your body feel calm and more relaxed.
Take your body on a walk when you are feeling sad, or do some more vigorous exercise, like working out, dancing or biking when anger strikes. I found my sadness needs slow intentional movement like walking or yoga. However, sometimes my anger was so overwhelming that I needed something more aggressive to move the energy. Listen to your body and find your perfect recipe. Exercise reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression, so whatever you choose will have benefits. Here are some tips on how to get started.
Being mindful of your food choices can also have a huge impact on your mental health, and overall well-being. If you don’t know where to begin with making healthier food choices, focus on what you wish to eat more of and what you’d like to limit (i.e. more leafy greens and fruit and less white breads, sugar and salt). Changing your eating habits starts in your mind, but gains traction in the grocery store. Avoid purchasing your most tempting foods at the grocery store—that’s half the battle. Impeding your access to “junk food” and finding delicious and healthy substitutes can help you fight the cravings. Thawed frozen mangoes, dried fruit and nut trail mixes, air-popped popcorn, and tortillas are my favorite go to snacks.
Binge eating sweets can give you a sugar crash that makes it harder to get through your daily task, which can leave you feeling disappointed with yourself and guilty about your choices. On the contrary, eating healthier foods can give you more energy and improve your self-esteem.
Mind: Learn something new, pick up a new book, take a class, or a new skill. It can be a healthy distraction, an opportunity to meet new people, and possibly a new stream of income. I started learning Latin dance for fun and in the process, met new friends. Now, I teach for side income. It is also a way to eventually boost your self-esteem. You may actually suck at your new thing in the beginning, but overcoming the challenges, learning to laugh at yourself, and staying consistent will allow you to witness your growth in a beautiful way. Learning something new can be exhilarating, can boost your mood and give you something to look forward to throughout the week.
Getting a good night’s rest is important, but could be really challenging when managing relationship grief. My favorite sleep aids include chamomile tea, yoga Nidra and a warm bath with a couple of drops of lavender essential oil. Reducing screen time before bed can also be helpful.
Emotions: Become a watcher of your emotions. Be conscious of how you feel. Pay attention to what you were doing and who you were with and even your location when you are the most happy and at peace. And spend more time in these places, with these people and in these locations. Become a student of your tough emotions, too. How do you feel? What triggered the feeling? Which childhood experiences could it be related to? How did you respond to the event? How do you feel about how you responded and would you like to respond differently in the future?
My journal became my best friend, and really helped me to create a roadmap to a happier and more joy filled life by just paying attention to what lifted my mood and giving myself more of that. If you are having trouble processing these feelings alone, don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist. Also leaning into healthy friendships and kinships can be crucial if they are available to be a listening ear, a partner in problem solving, or a source of care and connection.
Environment: Your home is a physical extension of your mental space. I can generally tell how I am feeling emotionally once I observe the condition of my home and then note how quickly or slowly I get to cleaning. A cluttered space is a cluttered mind and makes cleaning way more time consuming than it has to be. So get your Maria Kondo on and throw some ish away.
During the pandemic, I took a workshop on self-care through the senses. I used the principles of this workshop to design a space that appealed to all of my five senses.
Sight: I chose colors for my home based on what moods the colors induced. There is a bit of yellow in each room of my home for the solar plexus chakra, that governs inner power and strength, and lots of blues for a calming effect. I also have more than enough plants to clean the air and create a visually appealing effect. Plants give me somewhere to redirect my caring energy, which I found helpful in my relationship transition.
Sound: I purchased an Echo Show to play my favorite music on demand. I like to play the kind of music that makes me want to dance, reminds me of who I am, and recites affirmations over my spirit. So use music as medicine and create a playlist that speaks to your soul. I am really careful not to play music that makes me want to slash tires and bust windows out of cars (in my best Jazmine Sullivan voice). It may be wise to avoid songs with emotional connection to your past relationship, at least in the beginning. I also bought a cheap little Temu water fountain because I love the sound of water. Bring in any elements to your home that would delight your ears.
Touch: I love cozy throw blankets, onesie pajamas, and fuzzy socks. They all feel like a warm hug to me. At one point, I also had a weighted blanket that I slept with at night. Placing things in your home that feel good against your skin can help manage some of the cuddles missing.
Smell: My oil diffuser is one of my favorite things. I use an oil diffuser to diffuse essential oils and cultivate the mood I desire. Scents like lavender are good for relaxation, while scents like sweet orange can energize and invite happiness. You can learn more about using essential oils to boost your mood here.
Taste: We touched on this before, but healthy foods can really enhance your mood. I have a practice of creating art on my plate. I try to cook or prepare meals with as many colors as possible knowing that eating the rainbow, not only makes a pretty plate, but increases the amount of nutrients and vitamins available to you in your meals.
Spirit: This transition can really require a lot of faith, especially in situations where there are emotional, physical and financial attachments. Relationship endings may require moves, changes in the household income, shifts in division of labor on top of all the emotional transitions you were already managing.
There are a lot of decisions to make. Some of the best decisions I have ever made have been after meditation, time in nature, and or a tearful request to the creator for intervention. Being consistent in your pursuit of guidance and your connection with your higher power is one of the best things you can do for yourself during this time. Your pursuit may look different than mine, yours may look like praying or reading a Bible or other holy text but whatever it is, be consistent.
I start my connection practice at the top of my day. I call it my morning J.A.M.M.—Journaling, Affirmations, Movement and Meditation. Because there’s so much to do and so many things competing for my time, it is easy to run out of time in my day for myself. That’s why I make this practice the first thing I do in the morning. My theory is, if I start my day with me I can never run out of time for myself. Even if it’s only 5 minutes, my suggestion is to start each day with care for yourself.
Although I wrote this article with relationship recovery in mind, all of these practices could and probably should be practiced inside of healthy relationships. Being your most healthy and creating a joyful life makes you more patient and less thirsty for relationships that don’t serve you. Best wishes on your journey!
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