Heather Palmer McFarland seemed to have it all in the spring of 2008. She was married to a wonderful husband, Brian, had earned her doctorate in speech communication from the University of Southern Mississippi and was blessed with the birth of the couple’s first child, Robin.
McFarland, a life-long Mississippian, was a professor of communication at the University of the Ozarks in Arkansas, had a budding, successful career and a growing family.
Inside, though, she was a mess and just going through the motions. All she wanted to do was work, go home and sleep.
Even as a smart, successful woman, McFarland thought she was a terrible mother. Life with a baby was supposed to be like the movies: perfect. The expectations McFarland placed on herself were impossible for her or her family to meet.
“No one could be perfect—not as a family, not Brian, not Robin, not even me,” says McFarland, now 33. “I felt guilty of not being a perfect parent, ashamed, like I did not have the ‘mom gene.’”
McFarland says she could not get it right, and neither could Brian. Late at night, while rocking Robin to sleep, McFarland would weep uncontrollably and not know why.
The night of the 2008 presidential elections, McFarland learned that her good friend Kevin Rinehart had died in a motorcycle accident. The tragedy would become a turning point in McFarland’s life.
Rinehart’s wife, Kelly, wanted to commemorate her husband’s life by having his friends and loved ones take part in a half marathon. Before his untimely death, running was something Rinehart loved to do.
McFarland knew if she committed to something she would do it, if only to keep up the outward appearance of a happy life. So she gave her word to run in late March or early April of 2009.
By the summer of 2009, however, McFarland had reached an emotional rock bottom. She did not want to go home to her stressful marriage after she ran. She was working and trying to be super mom, too. Baby Robin did not have a babysitter for the first six months of her life. McFarland needed a break but did not know how to go about it.
McFarland entered therapy with a psychologist who diagnosed postpartum depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
‘Robin Will Be There’
Through therapy, McFarland slowly began to put her life back together. She learned she needed a healthier life in all aspects—physically and mentally.
“The biggest part of counseling is learning how to deal with the word ‘perfect,’” she says, laughing about it now. “My counselor pointed out I had used the word 80 times in a span of five minutes.”
McFarland met with her counselor twice a week for nine months and still keeps in contact with him today. She points out that her therapist is a marathon runner, too.
“He made sure I was running toward something and not that I was running away from something,” she says. “I did not know the difference for a while.”
McFarland’s postpartum depression took a toll on her husband, Brian, too, and she gives him most of the credit for her recovery. He took care of Robin so she could attend counseling sessions and was there for her when she needed to talk.
In October 2009, McFarland finished her first half marathon: Soaring Wings in Conway, Ark. She ran with a mantra repeating in her head:
“Robin will be there.”
Two years later, McFarland’s life might not be picture perfect, but it is “perfect for us,” she says. She finds her memories are a lot fonder with imperfect snapshots instead of “perfect” professional photos filled with stress.
She knows that anyone can have mental troubles no matter their education or how perfect their life may seem. Two years ago, she felt alone. Now she knows that help is out there, even if it doesn’t come from running.
“What I learned most is that what I went through does not make me less of a parent, wife or a professor” McFarland says. “If you need help, get it, and know it does not make you weak.”
McFarland has learned to like the person she is. Running has become her way to work out problems in her life, and it gives her time alone with her thoughts. She jokes that she and fellow runners have a saying that if their shoes could talk they would get them in trouble.
Those hours on the road are not always spent alone. Brian joins her from time to time, and she has one of the best training partners in 2-year-old Robin, who she pushes in her stroller.
On Jan. 8, Elvis Presley’s 76th birthday, McFarland will compete in the Mississippi Blues Half Marathon. Her goals include beating her personal best time of three hours and running the majority of the race.
McFarland’s mantra this time? Finish for me and only for me.
The Mississippi Blues Marathon (26.2 miles) and Half-Marathon (13.1 miles) is Jan. 8, 2011, in Jackson. Teams of five runners can tackle the course as a relay team, and wheelchair competitors are welcome. For additional information or to register, visit http://www.msbluesmarathon.com.
Previous Comments
I have known Heather for many years and she is a wonderful woman. Her family and mine (my wife and I) have gone through similar events. A tragedy in my family actually helped prevent one in her family. If anyone gets a chance try to root Heather on as she runs in the Mississippi Blues Marathon.
#161356 | Author: Bryan Flynn | Date: Dec 27 2010
I spoke to Heather after the Mississippi Blues Marathon and she told me she broke her best time by 3 seconds. The accomlished both her goals for the event. That is great to hear.
#161512 | Author: Bryan Flynn | Date: Jan 9 2011
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The Mississippi Free Press produced this story through the MFP Solutions Lab, supported by the Solutions Journalism Network. This series digs into Mississippi’s systemic issues and sheds light on responses to them in other communities. Beyond just reporting on problems, these stories interrogate their causes and inspect potential solutions.